You May Want to Rethink How You Look at Behavior
By: Kelci Beus, CMHC, RPT-S
As a caregiver of a child, there are many factors to consider when trying to raise them to be a functioning member of society. One of the most important that caregivers list is helping their children to know which behaviors are acceptable. This means knowing which rewards and consequences are most effective for helping kids learn. However, when these consequences are implemented, it can look like meltdowns, yelling, and negative interactions with kids. So, what if we’ve been taught to look at behavior the wrong way as parents?
The Old Way of Looking at Things
In previous generations, it has been accepted that if a behavior is unwanted, such as eating with your mouth open, interrupting others while talking, or other negatives, it was the parents’ responsibility to put a stop to it. This meant taking a hard-line approach, where “punishments” were expected and common. Some examples may have been, time-outs, being sent to a bedroom, and being grounded. And it worked! We have generations of people who experienced this way of learning. However, it also taught children that doing something wrong was something to be feared, which would often lead to shame. While this is not inherently bad, it can create other problems, such as increased anxiety, people-pleasing, and defiance.
Flipping the Meaning of Behavior
Is there a better way to look at negative behaviors? Perhaps. One way that we would encourage you at Become You Therapy to look at what is going on with your kids, is to look into what the behavior is trying to tell you. Every action is saying something to you. In other words, the action itself is communication. So, if your child is having a meltdown when it is time to turn off their electronic devices, what are they really trying to say? We may need to explore the behavior, what happened before it, and what’s expected to happen after it to understand more. We can take some educated guesses though. Some common reasons for meltdowns with electronics are over-stimulation and difficulty transitioning to new activities.
How to React In a More Helpful Way
If you, as a caregiver, can understand the real reason for the meltdown, it will change your reaction to it. Instead of being focused on what is going wrong, you can focus on your connection with your child, and regulate with them into the next desired activity. This may look something like, “Johnny, I can see that you really have had fun with your electronics today and it is hard to put them away. I’m going to move this device so that I can take a few deep breaths while we get ready to do the next thing.” You are not forcing them to the next activity. You’re not even forcing them to do the calming activity with you. They are seeing you remain calm and you’re modeling coping with their feelings. Then, you’ll be able to invite them into the desired activity. The more you do this, the more likely they are to follow your lead. It takes time, but it’s definitely worth the work.
Being a caregiver is hard work but rewarding work. No child comes with a manual that tells you what works best for them. In fact, most kids from the same household have different needs, so you can’t even parent them all the same way! If you’re finding that parenting has been difficult for you lately, it may be time to seek professional assistance. At Become You Therapy, we are happy to help whenever you may need it.
