Helping Children and Teens with Grief and Loss

By: Kelci Beus, CMHC, RPT-S

Loss is, unfortunately, all around us. It can show up in lots of different ways, like a family member or friend moving away, or a change in a relationship. As adults, we are more capable of handling the strong feelings and experiences that come with grief. But what about children and teens? How do we support them to help them with something that is both abstract and difficult to manage at any age? 

Signs Your Child May Be Working Through Grief

It can be hard to notice if your child is working through something like a loss, because sometimes these behaviors line up with other issues or concerns. Some of the common behaviors that we see with grief in children can look like:

-Increased anxiety or clinging to caregivers

-Developmental regressions, like sucking their thumb or baby talk

-Asking lots of questions about the loss or event repeatedly

-Big behaviors, like sudden temper tantrums or irritability

With teens, these things are somewhat similar, but vary slightly. For example, teens will also ask lots of questions about the event repeatedly. However, they may not show as much regression. Here are some common signs that a teen is working through a loss:

-Intense anger or defiance

-Guilt or blaming themselves for the event

-Avoiding talking about the person, or event that occurred

-Sudden changes in school performance, like grades dropping or suddenly being perfectionistic about grades

-Taking more risks than they were previously

-Isolating themselves from friends and family

How to Support Children Experiencing a Loss

Grief and loss is a tricky subject for adults to know how to support each other, let alone having to support a child with those experiences. Adults often worry that they may be causing more damage or forcing the child to relive their traumatic experiences, rather than helping. Here are some ways to support children with grief:

-Use direct and age-appropriate language. Avoid using common phrases like, “went to sleep” and instead focus on the person “died”. This is helpful because we want children to not be afraid to do normal activities, like going to bed at night.

-Validate all emotions. All the emotions the child may be experiencing about this loss are totally acceptable and normal. Remind them that it is ok to feel all of these emotions, whatever they may be.

-Maintain routines. Focus on what you can control and try to make it as structured as the child can tolerate right now. Try to make sure mealtimes, bedtimes, and school schedules are as consistent as possible. This helps them feel secure and know what to expect next.

-Model healthy grieving. It is ok for your child to see you be sad about what happened. It teaches them that it is ok to show your emotions when something sad happens. We just want to be mindful that it is age-appropriate for them.

How to Support Teens Through Grief

When it comes to helping a teenager work through grief, they can use language easier and more adeptly than younger children can. This provides you, as a caregiver, with more opportunities to understand them through setting aside time to talk and listen. Here are some good strategies and things to keep in mind when supporting your teen:

-Focus on listening, not talking. Let them lead the conversation, and make sure that they have your full attention. Sometimes all they really need is your listening ear, not necessarily anything fixed.

-Normalize their feelings. Similar to younger children, teens are going to feel a wide array of emotions, and all of them are healthy and normal. Remind them that you’re here to listen to their feelings anytime they want to share them with you.

-Memorialize the person or event, if possible. Support your teen by creating a special scrapbook, participate in cultural or spiritual activities that remind them of their loss in a meaningful way, or engage in a service dedicated to the loss.

-Keep routines, but also show some flexibility. Teens also need routine and structure. However, it is ok for them to ask for or need breaks when the emotions are piling up. Listen and allow them to take a break, if possible.

Grief doesn’t look the same between any two people. It’s difficult to visualize a map to help anyone cope with a loss. While the tips above are great and useful for many people, it may not diminish all of the difficulties that can arise around grief and loss. It’s important to reach out for professional mental health help if you and/or your child feel like it’s too much to manage. We’re ready at Become You Therapy in Ogden, Utah to help support you whenever you may need it.