How to Build Connection with Your Child in Just 10 Minutes a Day

By: Madison Martinez, LCSW

One of the most common concerns parents bring to therapy are about children struggling behaviorally. This can look like a variety of things, from talking back, shutting down, hiding out in their bedroom, and more. After further conversation though, it becomes evident that parents have tried every intervention to immediately correct the behaviors. Whether that be more consequences, more reminders, more lectures, or even more yelling and frustration. This is where the work we do here at Become You Therapy is different. We work diligently with parents to explore alternative perspectives and provide guidance and support for the family as a whole.

We start with one simple idea: Behavior is rarely the starting point of the problem. The majority of the time it is the outcome of disconnection, overwhelm, or even emotional insecurity within a parent-child relationship. In order for behavior changes to occur, connection has to feel safe again. How do we help this connection feel safe again? It all comes down to one-on-one connections.

Sometimes it feels impossible to set aside one-on-one time with your child, or especially multiple children. If ten minutes feels like too much, too fast, then try five minutes a day and see what changes happen over a month's time span.

Why Does Ten Minutes Matter?

While children’s brains and skills are developing, they lean on their parents for quite a bit. One huge area for healthy development is a child’s ability to regulate their emotions through connection with close adults. This is often referred to as co-regulation: When a calm, emotionally stable adult helps a child’s nervous system feel safe and manage intense emotions.

When children feel connected we see shifts in their cooperation. They feel safer expressing emotions. They often seek guidance instead of avoidance or shutdown, and the behavior tends to improve naturally over time. Building a connection with your child doesn’t require large plans, spending money, or even hours... It just requires consistency.

What Does Ten Minutes of Connection Look Like?

The most important part of beginning the 10-minute connection time (aside from you starting of course) is that the child gets to lead. The child has control. The child is in charge. Now, I don’t mean they become your boss and demand you take them places or buy them things (trust me, they will try). What I mean is they choose the activity (within reason) and you follow their direction. This time is for connecting and being present with each other. We want to avoid correcting them, teaching them something new at the moment, or even redirecting their behavior (unless it is a safety concern). This is the hardest part of starting this connection routine.

As a parent you are used to guiding them, teaching them, and managing them. This requires letting some of that control go. Connection grows when children feel like they are fully seen.

Ten-Minute Connecting Ideas

- Coloring or drawing together

- Building legos or blocks

- Playing with dolls or cars

- Having a dance party to your favorite songs

- Playing hide and seek

- 1 person fashion show

- Going on a walk

- Play finish the drawing (cooperative drawing where one person starts and the other completes the picture)

- Play a card game or board game

- Make a simple snack together

- Play teacher and student

- Blow bubbles together

- Play with chalk

Connection does not require big plans. It happens with small, repeatable moments, with consistency. The activity itself is not the most important part, the emotional experience is. Ten minutes a day may not seem like much in the middle of a busy life, yet on the other hand it may seem like there is no way to fit ten minutes in your day. But for a child, those minutes often become the minutes they remember and desire the most. I challenge you to give this activity a try and check in with yourself on what you notice. If you find that you’re struggling or could use professional assistance, we’re here at Become You Therapy to help and we hope you don’t hesitate to reach out.