The Best Gift for Your Child: Presence
Thanksgiving has come and gone, and now we’re into the season of searching for the best gifts for the best price. Children have started creating their lists and are anxiously waiting for the holiday to arrive. Parents are stressed, wondering how they’ll balance this spending with the stress they encounter every day. What does a child really need this holiday season? The answer is a simple one that may surprise you: your presence.
Why does being a present parent matter?
What you’re reading is something you probably already know. It’s important to have a relationship with your child or children because it creates healthy futures for them. However, our society has shifted into one where we value constantly being busy, having extracurriculars, and added disconnection through technology use. However, being present with your child has long lasting effects. Research shows that parents who do a good job of being present with their kids have children that develop a secure attachment, which in turns creates good social, emotional, and academic outcomes.
There are many factors that can lead into a difficult time trying to connect with your loved one. The most common one is that many children have both guardians working full-time, leaving them feeling exhausted and unable to have much energy left for connecting. There are also individual differences between kids, where one child may need a very physical connection like a hug and another child who just wants you to talk to them about their day. Throw in a teen that just wants to be in their room and away from family and you can see how quickly this becomes no easy task! There can also be some extenuating factors, like depression or anxiety, that make this even more difficult.
What are some signs we may need some help?
If you’re finding yourself thinking this is something you struggle with, it may be a sign you could use some extra support. A common question to ask yourself is if you can name an activity that you and your child like to do together. If you can’t think of something that the child would enjoy doing with you, you may need to check into how often you’re connecting.
Additionally, if you see lots of behavioral difficulties with a child (like hitting, yelling, defiance), they may be trying to connect with you and communicating in an ineffective way. Oftentimes, kids don’t know how to tell us with words what they need, but will tell us in their actions. If you’re having trouble understanding how to connect to help with the necessary behavior changes, it may be time to seek professional help. A therapist, like our excellent ones at Become You Therapy, can help you get more insight into your child’s actions, needs, and some parenting strategies to help you feel more confident in engaging more with your child to create change.
Ways to connect and be present
Caregivers sometimes have a misconception that quality connecting time needs to be something extravagant, like a big family trip. However, our kids just want our time in how we can give it. Oftentimes, ten minutes is all it takes to make that connection. Here are some ideas if you need some help getting started:
Find what they’re interested in and do it with them or talk about it: If you have a child that is interested in video games, for example, those can be tricky to be a part of depending on the format. However, it’s easy to sit with your child as they’re playing and ask them questions. “What’s your favorite thing you’ve created?”, “What is the hardest thing in this game?”, “What do you hope to accomplish?”are great examples. If it is something you can do together, do it and let them lead. Children need to feel like experts in the activity.
Schedule a time: If your life is busy, you may find that ten minutes is all you have time for. Find a good time to add a check-in to have a mindful presence. For example, you can build a ten minute talk about how each of your days went in around bedtime.
Talk about it being important to you: Kids need to hear that adults look forward to spending time with them. Sometimes narrating how you feel (excitement, happiness, etc.) about your upcoming scheduled time together can help you both feel a positive feeling about how things are going.
Don’t put pressure on it: In the end, you’ll probably have to ease into it. Don’t pressure a child that is unsure about the process. Two minutes is better than zero. Start at their tolerance and work up from there. For teens, you may have to count driving them to activities or friends’ houses as quality time for talking (whether they know that’s what’s happening or not). Eventually, most, if not all, kids enjoy this process and start seeking it out.
We hope that these concepts speak to you and make you excited about connecting with your child. There are so many wonderful things about the holiday season, but the most important of all of them is having quality relationships with people you care about. This year, focus on what doesn’t cost anything but can change everything. Your presence.
